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July 28 packing uplesser noida beckons. and although i do not want to go, i must. for i now see that this is the way it was always meant to be. that we must endure that which pains to one day attain that which pleases. whether for moments or for years, is only revealed by time. for a week now i have been steadily detaching myself from everyone and everything here at home.
or trying to. i'm convinced this mad idea is somehow going to make the transition easier. i'm praying it does. and so, the bags are packed yet again.
the clothes folded and placed neatly in stacks. the unspoken feelings of dread at the days to come shoved in corners. out of sight. but never out of mind. and so, as with every time this time ticks close, i churn resolves like a press churns print.
"i'm goin to study harder", "i'm going to enjoy my time there", "i'm going to be a better friend", ... each hollow, empty and quickly fading into oblivion, making way for yet another resolve. each dissipating into wind like wisps of smoke, fluid and fleeting, not solid enough to survive. and so, i ready myself to face that desolate place once again.
the parasitic city that feeds off the villages. the virulent villages that feed off the city. the pockmarked earth, fertile, yet, brown and dusty. the modern clash of cultures. the strangest of symbiosis. and so, i ready myself to face those people again.
the hoodlums, with no higher calling other than physical violence. the gangs, all talk about power and all leers at the sight of a girl. the fights breaking out on campus, blood smearing the institutions of learning. the politics, the backstabbing, the bravado, the brotherhoods. the small men in big cars carrying unlicensed guns with forged licenses to kill. and so, i ready myself to live there again.
to share a room with loneliness as my only companion. to roam the streets for want of anything better to do. to listen to faked friendly voices on the radio when the lights aren't out. to spend hours in darkness when they are. studying by candle light, staring out the window to take a break. staring into yet more darkness. and yet, it would all be harder if not for the few.
the few who accepted me, mistakes and all. the few who are friends for no personal gain. the few who place their trust in me and whom i trust in return. the few who are a million times more important than the hundreds who make the rest. the few who make it easier. they say that gold is beaten for it to gain its shine.
similarly, they say that strife is supposed to make you stronger. i think it only makes you numb. thick skinned, so that you just don't feel as much anymore. i'm yet to meet a person more thick skinned than me. i'm not proud of it. i yearn to feel, to be sensitive, caring, unselfish.
i yearn to grow strong, not numb. i yearn to think and write about someone else for a change. i yearn for me to not always be I, I, I. and even though i see the irony in the above statement, i choose not to recognise it. i yearn to not get confused and digress.
and as i say, "i'll see you later", to family and friends and to home.
i bid good bye to this place, my creation, my scattered-reams. it's given me much, but not nearly as much as i've given it. i might come back, eat my words and update again. for now, this seems to be it, the end of this. the start of something more special?
that remains to be seen. the people who made this special
A- pari might fall, but she'll rise again. methinks she's a phoenix in disguise.
shilpz- thanks for all the positive words and encouragement. gibreel- "hope floats", i try not to forget these words. himanshu- rock on bro. hope your band makes it big. swatz- remember, you're a strong, confident (though sometimes mad) woman :P. (send me the CD!) and others who came and took the time to visit.
July 08 Landing PermissionSumant: Mayday! MAYDAY! This is Sumant-818-Heavy to B-89 tower. Anybody there? Over. Fah'd: This is the ATC (Air Traffic Controller), God of all Runways I see and Master of ALL Landings and Takeoffs. Flight S-818-H, Tower B-89 has been abandoned due to heat and dust. Repeat; Tower B-89 has been abandoned due to heat and dust. Over.
Sumant: Damn! You giving me shivers in May, Sir! God Fah'd, read, "B-89 be reinstated by April 29th. Procure the requisite Beer and Ration supply." B-89, DO READ! Over. Fah'd: S-818-H, wha...? *ZZT* Transm*ZZZT*ion inter*ZZT*ed S-818-H. Comm*CRACKLE*ion failure 818! Good *FTFF*uck trying to land, Son. Over *ZZTZ*. Sumant: Entire message decoded. Sir, you will be Court Martialled and heavily reprimanded. Will make multiple passes and bombardments on the 29th! AT WAR!!! Over and Out! Fah'd: *ZZTZz* 01:50 PM
25.04.07 B-89, Sector Tau: my address in Lesser Noida. Sumant: senior, land lord, band member and aspiring Defence Personnel. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's a little trick photography. July 04 HappyThis blog was supposed to be about Lesser Noida.
But for some wierd reason i seem to have given up on cribbing, complaining, being sarcastic, pessimistic and, my favourite, depressed! Which means i can't write. (I claim) i can only do so when i'm depressed. Which in turn is pretty sad. But i'm too busy being happily occupied with all manners of holiday activites to harp upon this minor technicality. Somewhere between Lesser Noida and Home i realised i have a life. And life is meant to be lived. Hooray for nice revelations of the feeble mind. And since i can't write, i decided to Edit a few Pics i had recently clicked.
Yeah baby, Optimism rocks!
Here's one for all you critiques. Do trackback if u like it. I could use the publicity. It makes me feel loved :P heh. I'll leave you to guess which one's the original one.
June 17 Damn Hypocrite!May
A:
I want to sing.
I can't!
I want to dance.
I can't!
I want to sketch.
I CAN'T!
Such a bitter life this.
Sigh!
Me:
Such a bitter life this and it makes me wonder why, Trapped 'tween the newborn cries and the dying sigh,
Some brave tears and wear false smiles,
While some live in fears and hide teary eyes.
Some are handed lemons, and so they make lemonade, While some complain of the bitter-sweet taste and let the lemon go waste. Some sing and dance and sketch, they don't think how or why, While some say they can't and so they don't even try. A:
I feel worse! :( June Me: I want to write.
I can't! I want to compose.
I can't! I want to design.
I CAN'T! Such a bitter life this. Double sigh!
A: Damn Hypocrite! . . . View from Lal Tibba, the highest peak in Mussoorie.
June 14 'Later' Just Arrived.
I've re-written this opening line about a thousand million times or so. And for those who remember me, it feels good to be back :)
April 12 criminals all | the promiseCrimes for pleasure, Crimes for pain; January 25 imagineive been asked, in quite a threatening manner if i might add, to update as soon as possible or theres a possibility of my ass getting kicked. and then my nuts. now i havent written anything in quite some time. which means that theres a lot of stuff stewing inside of me and i dont think itll be possible for me to write it all down and make sense at the same time. so heres a non-sensical blog... my lifes at a standstill... again. and sadly enough i seem to like this drab and dreary existence more and more with each passing day. its the closest i am to being dead without actually dying. havent got anything interesting to relate (im sure "went out riding at night with my jacket unzipped on a whim to fall ill." is very interesting reading. right? yeah. just as i thought.) so what do i do with all this time i've got on my hands? i think. i dream. i question. sometimes i fantasize a little too, but lets not go there. i think about every little thing, about every little action, every unspoken word and every wrong reaction. i ponder upon everything and most of the times i think about stuff when the time to think has long since passed. i think sometimes i think too damn much. not making much sense, am i? i dream, well, like any one of you. ive got a whole baggageful of dreams and hopes and aspirations. but the way im going, with the kind of determination and will i posess, the only place im heading is nightmare alley. these dreams are so vivid and colourful against the pale skin of my stark reality that it hurts to look at them. and yet i cant stop dreaming. besides this, nowadays i get up late, have lunch, watch tv, listen to music, play the drums, have tea, maybe go out for a ride and hang out with my cousin and a couple of friends, watch tv, have dinner, surf the net, chat a little, then read a book to go to sleep.
along with liberal helpings of metallica currently reading- 'It' by stephen king. reading this one again cos ITS SO DAMN GOOD! last movie seen- chicken little.
imagine biting down upon a mouthful of razor blades. your lacerated tongue and cheeks and gums sprouting out wave upon wave of hot blood. the taste of the cold steel. the taste of your own blood. ive always found my blood to be quite tasty. havent you? ironical, isnt it?, to be drowning in your own blood. funny, isnt it?, that itching at the back of our throat. amazing, isnt it?, this ability to imagine. wish i could stop. it isnt always good to be able to imagine, or is it? December 05 This pain...This pain you feel, i feel it too.
You call it agony, I've dealt with it too.
It comes and leaves you feeling bue.
It comes and leaves your thoughts askew.
But pain seldom with time does grow.
It stamps itself out is what you should know.
It dampens and dulls and throbs away.
It suffocates and rots away.
So bear with it, this pain will go.
So share it with me, this pain WILL go. November 05 i rememberi remember those times
when i lived on my own, when i was surrounded yet i would feel all alone. i remember those times
full of rage and despair, no one seemed to love, no one seemed to care. i remember those times,
so dark and bleak, with no strength to change, with no strength to speak. i remember those times
when colours and words my world did rule, when the smallest things would spark my crative fuel. i remember those times
when i would take things at my pace, when i could watch the sun set, when i could starte into the endless space. i remember those times,
i frown, i smile. i remember those times, it only takes a while. i remember those times, and maybe i do live in the past. after all, the future never comes, the present never lasts. November 03 dust 2 dustTo cough and cough until the coughing stops,
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this is something akin to "dust to dust" which i had written earlier. only that this was written after yet another sleepless night of coughing my lungs out.
October 14 broken-III... she attacked my mouth with all the rage of a rampaging bull, er, cow. she poked and pulled and pushed and punched me in the teeth and gums with her little mirror and hammer. she scraped and scratched and shook the very calcium growth off my teeth. she pondered and pored and pored and pondered over the fixating problem that were my goddamn teeth. and her every action produced a pain of such epic proportions from the culprit tooth that it was all i could do to stop myself from screaming. after what semed an eternity of suffering, she delivered a verdict. "im sorry to say this mr.khan", she said (although she didnt seem the least bit sorry. she seemed positively delighted.), "but you have absolutely rotten teeth. especially this pointy one right here. in fact i'll have to perform an extraction." "extraction?", i croaked? "yes, extraction." and with that she reached for the injection. as she stabbed me with the ultra-fine needle in the gum directly where the tooth was growing, all i felt was the tiniest of pricks. "that wasn't so bad.", i thought to myself. THEN she injected the anesthetic. it felt as if white hot lava was being poured into my veins. it almost knocked me senseless. whoever thought that an 'anesthetic' would cause so much pain. the pain dissolved, albiet slowly, and a numbness took its place. the gums had swollen to quite an extraordinary size and my tooth had stopped hurting as much. dr.kaynyne then picked up another weapon of mouth destruction from her seemingly endless pile of weapons. the forceps. as she reached in with the forceps, a chill descended upon me.
my heart started beating faster. goosebumps broke out on my arms and a cold sweat left me shivering. she took firm hold of the culprit tooth and took a deep breath, mustering her strength for the task at hand. she placed a clammy hand on my forehead and with one quick jerk tried to pull the tooth out. or at least tried to. the battle was on, and much to my chagrin, my tooth was resisting. i would have liked nothing better than to have had it lay down all arms and die a quick death. but my tooth fought and dr.kaynyne fought back harder. she pushed my head back with one hand and pulled the tooth with the other. caught in the middle of this absurd tug-of-war was poor old me. that too by one tooth. ... as the fight progressed, dr.kaynyne tried all sorts of strategies to win. she pulled. she pushed. she twisted. she turned. she pulled and pushed and twisted and turned. but all to no avail. finally, with one almighty jerk from dr.kaynyne, the culprit tooth popped out of its place like a cork from a champagne bottle. hot blood bubbled forth from the cavity that the tooth had left behind and spread over my tongue. it was salty and sweet and strangely delicious. she dropped the tooth in a small tray where it lay like a fallen martyr, where it lay wrapped in a shroud of its own blood. she then pushed a couple of swabs of cotton in my mouth to stop the flow of blood and once it was ascertained i would not bleed to death she said i could leave. "please don't eat anything for the next hour or so mr.khan.", she instructed, "after that you can have an ice-creame or two." i started for the door. "one more thing mr.khan", she said. the hair on the back of my neck bristled like corn in a field on a windy day. "you'll have to see me again next week. we have to make a brand new tooth for you now. we've got a very nice range of colours. there's pure-white, ivory-white, pearl-white, off-white, nocotine-stained-white, tobacco-stained-white and the all new i-havn't-brushed-for-a-month-white." i bolted. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 12 broken-II... the air in the waiting room was thick. that was to hide the fact that my hands were shaking. ... Dr.Kaynyne had her back to me and was washing her hands with the same disinfectant soap that had assaulted my sense of smell a little while ago. and shut my eyes tight. ...to be continued. October 11 broken-Ii stumbled out the door, the light tearing at my eyes like shards of glass the tiniest bit of brightness setting my eyes afire before finally exploding out the back of my skull. i reached for the handkerchief. ... October 08 guess who's back? ... well, er, me.hey all! September 04 smoking makes you smarter"smoking makes you smarter", said nishant, " and i can prove it too.", he added as an afterthought. i, for those of you who dont know, have always ben super allergic to fag smoke. one whiff of those noxious vapours and my head goes for a spin. "so have you seen a herd of deer or zebras or wilderbeast running away from a leapord or a tigress or whatever it is thats hunting them?", he asks. hmm... so point proved... i thought about what nishant said a lot and what he said actually seemed to make a little sense... and i do need the extra brain power... so i pondered and pondered and made my decision...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- so thats that.
August 25 bRAGGING RIGHTS"ragging has been banned by the supreme court and is a punishable offense", says the banner hanging proudly in the main lobby of my college. HAH! also, yeah right and in your dreams!!! anyway, im not gonna debate the pros and cons of ragging and whether its a way of getting to know the freshers or whether its free entertainment for the seniors. ragging has always been a very loaded topic and im not giving any more weight to it. i will however let you know of my experiences till now. now either i have been very lucky so far or there isnt much to this ragging thing. im guessing i've been lucky. the seniors at the hostel where im putting up are all very nice, except for one or two sumbitches of course. first thing i was made to do was give my intro. now the intro consists of the following things... salutation... "90 maro" is when u bend down low at an angle of 90degrees and say "good moning sir". remember, 'sir' HAS to be there. singing.. dont give a damn about if you can sing or not. they just wanna see how shy you are and all that. i have sung/rapped "did my time- korn", "the real slim shady- eminem", "from the top to the bottom- linkin park", "another brick in the wall" till now. i have also sung "choli ke pichche kjya hai" lol. dancing... if u dont know how to dance, theyll teach you... like they taught me. "screw a light bulb in with one hand, flap the other hand a little and stamp out a cig with one foot" simple! abusive and filthy language in general... i was asked to abuse the fan and then i was given the hostel anthem to learn for the next day (which is too explicit to reveal out here!) playacting... make an ad for colgate or a condom or something of that sort. it should be original. i was asked to make ads for both. dress code... for me its a white shirt with the third button red, black trousers, red socks, white PT shoes and short "barely there" hair. for the girls its white suit and red hair bands on two pigtails:D. thats basically what all ive done till now. as you can see its been pretty tame. but thank god for that. i dont think i would be able to run down a hallway naked or something of that sort. once youre through giving these intros youll have made friends with the seniors and they in turn will be a whole lot of help. showing u around the place, books, general advice and all that. (wonder when theyll make me propose a girl or two though.) oh yeah, get your hair cut real short before you leave for college. and i mean REAL short. dont be scared, shy, etc etc. be as frank as u possibly can. stay far away from the guys who are into gunda-gardi. all they spell is trouble. stay even furthur down the road from girls to whom the seniors have a taken a liking. thats all the time i have right now... have to report to room number 104! catch y'all later... fah'd. (P.S- MY TIME WILL COME!!! cant wait to order my to be juniors to get their head shaved!!! bruhuhahahaHAHAHAHAA!!! and so the cycle continues.) August 18 hlo againhey all
im really sorry if i havnt ben able to reply to any of your comments!
have really short on time here at this point.
in fact im out of time right now
thats all for now... a new update probably sometime next week or month or year or summin like that.
thanks again
fah'd August 14 blinded-IV... It simply isn't done. "say Doc, can you see inside my eye with that magnifying glass?" after a few more minutes of poking that damned flashlight in my eyes, DocCy delivered the verdict, "well mr.khan. your eyes seem to be in good condition", said Doc Cyclops, "except for the weakness in the muscles of course. the good news is that you wont need to change your lenses. the bad news is that you may have to come see me agan next week. i THINK you MIGHT have some sort of an abnormality in your left eye. we'll have to see if it shows any sign of being malignant. cancer of the eyes isn't all that uncommon, y'know? only it isnt talked about all that often. hahahahahahehehee (as though that was a really funny crack). don't worry though. we'll fix you up REAL good." i swear i saw a couple of horns sprout out of his head right then. "well, thats that", said DocCy with a big phony smile, "i'll be seeing you next week mr.khan. oh, and another thing, your eyes will be very sensitive to light for the next few hours because of the eye drops i gave you. so do watch your step. NEXT" the tiniest bit of brightness setting my eyes afire before finally exploding out the back of my skull. i reached for my handkerchief .
so thats that, though u shud probably read the whole thing together. thatll be better. see y'all later... fah'd blinded-III...
It simply isn't done.
"well, open wide", Doc Cyclops commanded.
"AAAAGGGGHHHH", i said poking out my tongue. "naughty, naughty mr.khan", he said with the same uncanny laughter that reminded me so much of this little poem i'd had to learn in school: "ding-dong knell, the devil rings your bell." or something of that sort. (what? it's NOTHING of THAT sort? well, bite me! i wasn't any good at learning stuff in any case.) "what i meant to say was OPEN your eyelids WIDE and look straight into this light", elucidate Doc Cyclops. "oh", i said and opened my eyelids wide and looked straight at the light. "left", said DocCy. "huh?" "left mr.khan" "what? im sorry i didn't get you." "look towards the left PLEASE mr.khan." "oh." "now right." i looked towards the right without any hesitations and just so that he wouldn't get the impression that im ALL stupid, i went ahead and looked UP. "MR.KHAN! have i asked you to look up? you only look up when i tell you to look up. now please, look DOWN.", said the raving 'oh-im-such-a-good-doctor-that-you-do-what-i-tell-you-to' Doc Cyclops. that also pissed me off so much that i decided not to utter another word.
not even a 'thank you'.
but me being me and talk being talk, after a few seconds of silence, i valiantly tried to establish a conversation. ........to be continued.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- of good bye's and good riddance's:
hectic times these.
running around making last minute arrangements.
doing stuff that should have been done the day before.
and saying:
good bye
i won't make a show, no crocodile tears, they're not my ways. i know ill be seeing my near and dears in hardly a few more days. i won't cry out loud, nor laugh with glee, it's not in my nature. i'll let them know that there's no good bye, only a see you later. good riddance
dear grandma, i wish i could have loved you, but you never did give me any reason to. youre at then end of the road and whats funny, is that you loved everybody less than you love money. well, money does not buy happiness. it does not pray. it does not bless. oh shit, but i digress... all i wanted to say was in a few more hours, i wont have to feel your omnipresence... just a few more hours, so good bye and good riddance!!! August 12 blinded-II...
"crybaby!", i thought i heard someone say. but i didnt care. there was nothing i could do. all i could do was wait for the doctor to say "NEXT" before i could finally wipe my eyes clean of the God forsaken eye drops he had poured by the bucketful in each eye.
that too twice! in each eye!!! "this is just a little something to help dilate your pupils", Doc Cyclops had said with a smile. "uh, okay", i had said. then pain overtook life. "all i wanted was for you to tell me whether my eyes were getting weaker", i wanted to scream at him, "all i wanted to know was whether i needed new lenses or not. why this pain God? WHY?". "pain is good, monsieur", i heard Silas whisper. "maybe to you, you goddamned sadist", i shouted back, "And what are you doing here in any case? you're suppposed to be killing Sauniere. not ME!" "i'll be back", he promised, sounding uncannily similar to that bionic superdude, arnold schwartzewhatever. "excuse me?", said DocCy (which is also how we will refer to him), "were you talking to me?" "NO! YES! NES! MAYBE... look, doc... i dont know anymore... doc. please!!!", i implored, "make the pain stop and i'll give u anything. anything. you name it. its yours. ill give you my copy of Grand Theft Auto. i'll give you my drums even. wait. on second thought, i wont give you my drums. but i will give you EVERYTHING else. just make the pain go away.". "haha, youre quite the kidder mr.khan", Cyclops tittered. "haha yourself you big galoot", i thought morosely but refrained from saying it. you dont go around upsetting people with all sorts of lights and lasers at their disposal. it simply isn't done. ........to be continued.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- back to reality:
the reporting date for college is approaching with all the urgency of a runaway train. a bundle of confusion has replaced my brain. "i can't wait to leave." "it's too soon to leave." "i wonder how im gonna adjust with the people there " "i wonder how i'm gonna live without the people here." ...and so on. we want change when it does lack,
and when things change, we want them back. or is it just me? i wonder. |
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